The Talkative Turtle
A tale told across cultures!
The story may change from a frog to a turtle, but the message is the same across cultures:
Even a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise: and he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.
Proverbs
“In seeking wisdom, the first step is silence, the second listening,
the third remembering, the fourth practicing, the fifth — teaching others.”
– Ibn Gabirol — poet and philosopher (c. 1022-1058)
The Breakfast Line
It is hard to say where Joey and Bubba are these days. They are both in their mid 20′s, hopefully both have worked out how to get along with others more respectfully and have strong healthy relationships.
But, when the story happens Joey is in the second grade and Bubba is in the 5th grade. Joey lives with his Mom and she works one full and one part time job to keep the rent paid and food on the table. Joey is dropped off early at school and has breakfast there; his Mother is very thankful for that option. Joey is unsure of himself and finds school challenging. He has help from his teachers, but he struggles to keep up with math and reading. Joey’s Mom has enrolled him in karate classes in the hopes that it will boost his self confidence and help him deal more effectively with the bullying that has been going on at school.
Bubba is in the 5th grade. Many of the teachers have not noticed that Bubba is a bully. He might be like Eddie Haskell in “Leave it to Beaver”. (for those of you who remember Eddie)He is sneaky and targets his prey well. He comes from a very competitive home with parents who have done well in the world and expect him to come out on top as well. They push him a lot in school; he does fairly well but his grades are mediocre. His Dad sits with him to do his homework each night and is clearly disappointed in his performance. Bubba has learned to take his frustration out on others and Joey is a prime target.
On the morning this incident happens, Joey is very hungry. He is 5th in line and waiting for breakfast. Bubba steps in front of him and pushes him out of line. Joey says clearly,” Bubba, that is not okay. I’m hungry and it is not okay to crowd in line.” Bubba looks at Suzy, standing behind Joey. She is a bit afraid of Bubba, so is willing to go along with him. “Joey, you are out of line. Go to the back of the line.”
But Joey is persistent and gets back in line. Bubba pushes him out of line again and sticks his tongue out at Joey. Joey again uses his words and reclaims his space. Bubba pushes harder this time. Joey has learned to hit pretty hard in his karate classes. In his anger the admonition not to hit when your mad is completely forgotten. He doubles up his fist and lands a strong punch in Bubba’s solar plexus! Bubba drops like a rock, screaming and crying. Joey steps back into his place in line. Suzy takes up the yellingwith,”Joey hit Bubba! Joey hit Bubba”.
Just then Mrs. Smith walks around the corner of the hallway. Bubba is on the floor unable to catch his breath, Joey is pretending like it didn’t happen, and Suzy is only to happy to share her story of the whole thing.
This is where I like to ask the students a couple of questions:
- Who do you think the bully is in this story?
- What other choices did Joey have?
- Who do you think got in trouble?
The answer to who got in trouble is Joey-suspended for 3 days for hitting. His mother had to explain to her boss(a bit of a grown up bully) that she had to take time off to stay with her son. How could it have been prevented? Lots of choices exist. It is the thinking in the space between the thought and the action, the sign of a true martial artist, that might have changed the outcome of this incident. Knowing how to choose and how to use words effectively in difficult situations gives children and adults more opportunity to for non-violent outcomes.
The Mud Puddle
Hannah was a first grader and new in her SW Portland school. Being the new kid can make anyone anxious; it always seems everyone else knows everybody. Hannah had always been good at using her words, but, as an only child, she was surprised and challenged when other children didn’t listen to her words.
A small group of boys made Hannah their target. They grabbed her hair, her stuff, bumped her, chased her on the playground, and pushed her out of line. She had used her words as best she could with little success; in fact they seemed to push and pull her even more each day. She was fed up with them and wanted to push back but had been told over and over again that it was not okay to hit or push others.
The beginning of the school year had been especially wet this year, and mud puddles were frequent on the school playground. Hannah was standing in front of them when Joey, the leader of this small group of would-be bullies, ran at her to push her into the puddle. Hannah did the martial arts, and had learned to sidestep trouble. She moved and Joey landed Kersplatt!! right in the mud puddle. Wet and muddy from head to toe, he raised his fist declaring he would get his buddies and come back and “Beat you up”.
Hannah knew she needed help; this was just too much for her. On the edge of tears, she ran to the office. The principal was in her office and listened to Hannah’s story. Intervention seemed crucial, so she followed Hannah back onto the playground, standing just out of view of the boys as they came running up, fists doubled up and ready to whack Hannah. Mrs. Smith stepped out and all three boys stopped in their tracks. Off to the office with phone calls to their parents and a day out of school for the lot of them.
In this case, adult intervention worked. The boys went their own way and left Hannah alone, giving her a wide berth at all times. These boys had a respect for authority that convinced them the bully behavior was not appropriate. Talking to a grown up can often help kids think of alternatives they might not consider on their own. As adults, we have a responsibility to take bully stories seriously and help kids learn the skills to work out differences and difficulties with others.
